If you’re like me the word ‘asexual’ at first glance means ‘anti-sex.’ So, throw in people with ‘grey ace’ in their profiles, but seeing them flirting or making sexual connotations may come off as confusing to say the least. This is where a lot of misconceptions start and I’m setting out to dispel the notion of the asexual that cannot engage in anything sexual.
Now, credit where it’s due there are asexuals that don’t engage in any kind of sex or are sex repulsed. They are not what I’m going to be covering in this article. I want to cover the people, like myself, who find themselves in between the throes of sexual engagement and lack there of.
Stigma
Artist: BriMercedes
So, what exactly is the definition of grey ace?
Graysexual — sometimes spelled greysexual — is used to refer to people who experience limited sexual attraction. In other words, they experience sexual attraction very rarely, or with very low intensity.
Sian Ferguson
As you can see it doesn’t fit what someone might think at first blush. Grey aces can experience sexual excitement, and in cases like mine it’s from the idea of sex rather than the sex itself. This can be shrunk down into the micro-label autochorissexualism, but we can touch on that again later.
Grey aces dwell in the realm that’s between sexual engagement and non. The desire to engage intimately with a partner may be greater or weaker than that of a stranger. It could be triggered by a minute detail in the atmosphere or the events leading up to the feelings. Even then, there’s no guarantee if they’ll be strong enough to feel as though they need to be acted upon.
It’s kind of like the dumpy fast food place around the corner. It’s always there, but most of the time you’re not in the mood for it. Other times it’s all you’re thinking about and you end up getting it 5 times in a row. Eventually you’re covered in so much goo you wonder where it all went wrong and damn I should really stop eating out so much – ahem.
Although, in other cases it could be arousal at anything BUT situations that involve real sex. Come on we’ve all been on the front page of FA before.
Being eaten, growing big enough to destroy cities, cars, and it can go on and on. While these things aren’t inherently sexual that’s the appeal of them. They awaken something in a person that otherwise doesn’t feel the desire, or in some cases, are repulsed by.
We could go into more detail as to how the smallest details can make a difference to someone on the ace spectrum. The bottom line is grey asexual folks CAN be into the sexy times! It just depends on X Y & Z.
Variety
Now, you may be saying to yourself. “Why Rhyner I have a low libido. I don’t want sex all the time!! What’s the difference?!“
While asexuality is an orientation, celibacy is a choice someone of any sexual orientation may make. Also, low libido means that sexual attraction and desire exists, but in lower levels relative to other people. A low sex drive may be rooted in a medical disorder, says Goerlich, but asexuality is not. It’s simply the way a person is.
Gabrielle Kassel
Coming to terms with being Asexual is the first step in learning your true identity. What do I mean by that? I MEAN MICRO-LABELS, BAYBAY!
The asexual spectrum is as fast as the oceans and just as deep. We continue to explore new ways to understand our sexuality. Whether it’s intensity of sexual attraction, frequency, or who we are attracted to, it all has a name on the spectrum somewhere.
The most common micro-labels used are:
- Demisexuality a sexual interest only in those with a strong bond to them.
- Apothisexuality repulsion to any and all sex.
- Placiosexuality when feeling sexual there’s only a desire to give not receive.
- Autochorissexualism having sexual feelings towards situations separate from the actions itself. and more.
Just because you’re on the spectrum by no means then means you’re “stuck” in one place. There’s infinite possibilities through exploration both online and offline to find out what you like or don’t like. Erotic role play, art, works of fiction, etc. can be amazing avenues to discover your sexuality in new ways.
Combinations
Artist: DynamicParrot
So, you’re a man only interested in other men, but don’t like them sexually?
Congratulations! You’re, probably, an asexual homo-romantic. And that’s just the tip of the iceburg.
Sexualities are a tricky thing, as you’re undoubtedly coming to realize now. Sometimes you’ll feel things towards one type of person, but another kind makes you feel a different way. Having an attraction to someone doesn’t necessarily make you sexually attracted to them as well.
In some cases you’ll be sexually attracted to everyone, but not romantically. Hetero-romantic pansexual could definitely be who you are! Bi-romantic demisexual for a potent bond driven attraction.
Though, none of this will come naturally at first. It takes a lot of self analysis into what you want, what you value, and ultimately what you expect out of a partner. Don’t forget that sexualities can change and evolve over time. You could start out as a homosexual, bi-romantic then later down the line end up as solidly demisexual.
A new study has shown that traditional labels of ‘gay’, ‘bisexual’ and ‘straight’ do not capture the full range of human sexuality, and whether a person is attracted to the same, or opposite sex can change over time.
Taylor & Francis
Thanks for reading, everyone!